Fidgety and itchy
An unsettling deep within
Burning and yearning
My head a cloud of confusion
Feel, Feel, Why can’t I feel?!!
I have this greater need, almost an addition really to act. Time may pass and I will get on with the daily necessities of raising my wonderful children, cleaning the house, trying to earn more money and be the secretary of our household. “There is value in doing all of this” I keep telling myself and I have chosen to do it. I want to stay at home with my kids. However, the longer time passes from one acting gig to another, the deeper the burning inside, the greater the fidgeting, the itch and tenser I become. It’s almost a part of my creation; to act, to create, to express.
Ever since I was a little girl, performing came so naturally to me. There was never a question of what I would do when I grew up. No matter how hard anyone tried to mold me in to something else, the mold had been set before I was born and it moves and breathes within me.
The last time I acted was 1yr and 4 months ago. I was 8 months pregnant with my son and shooting a film with my best friend and business partner. The script had been written and based on a woman in her 70s. We had just 2 weeks to put it together from writing to editing. As the writer, co-executive producer and production co-ordinator I had my hands full. The story, however was not complete and another role was written, my role.
A pregnant woman who had been hit by her husband takes a moment outside when her first love, who was lost in the war, returns for her. Torn by her love for him and the social pressures of remaining faithful to her abusive husband leaves, making the toughest choice of her life.
It was such a meaty role to sink my teeth into, with such emotion and depth and I had a wonderful young actor to work with but did I feel satisfied with it at the end of the day? No. My head or should I really say by body just wasn’t in it. I was busy making sure that everyone on set was fed, that each team was running smoothly. So when it came to acting, I just went through the motions and didn’t really feel anything. I wasn’t affected and if you’re not affected or affecting someone, you’re not doing your job.
Since then I have focused on directing and there is another joy that comes from that. Directing also comes naturally to me. It allows me to use my brain, to use the practical yet crazy thought process that goes on in my mind. It lends itself to my natural way of shutting off emotion and getting down to work. My brain can take the reigns.
But as of late, I need my body, my soul and my spirit to soar. I need to move and be moved. Just last night as my son wrapped his legs around my waist, rested his head on my shoulder and embraced me tightly as he slept, I was overcome with a wondrous awe and love. Nothing in the acting world can compare to this or give me those moments with my children. At the same time, nothing at home can give me what the acting can do in and through me.