We danced around the room, wanting everyone to look at us. You followed my every command. The fun we had as we ran through the grass and slid down slides. But as we grew older, we grew further apart. I didn’t know you anymore.
You confused me. When all my hurts and pains in life began to arise, you were not there for me. You made me look bad. Parts of you developed quicker than others and I didn’t know if you were still a little girl or a woman. Every day I looked at you, I was haunted by the image staring back at me. You taunted me. You laughed at me. You weren’t there to hold me together. Others laughed at you and commented on how big your nose was or pinged elastics at your newly developed breasts, joked about your large hips and skinny legs…and especially made fun of your pinky toe. It made me sad when they hurt you but more so it made me angry. How could I ever feel comfortable with you?
I’m sorry I abused you. I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to stand up for you and love you just the way you were. I’m sorry I pulled your insides out and ruined your whole digestive system to cope with my pain. I’m sorry I tried to get rid of you again, and again and again.
I’m sorry that when others began to appreciate you and like you that I still didn’t and I’m sorry that in that time I allowed others to do whatever they wanted with you. I’m sorry.
In time I began to really like you and even flaunted how good you looked. You made me feel more confident in myself. But it saddened me that the only way I could really like you was if you looked good and made me look good. That is not love. I soon realized that when you grew bigger and bigger and bigger. All I could see was fat, when all you could see was the beautiful child growing inside you. Once again I found myself in complete chaos and confusion. I thought we had finally worked things out. I thought that we understood one another. As long as you stayed thin, we could be friends. But you changed. You changed everything! I was so mad at you. I was mad that you made me feel old.
I am sorry for that. I know now that you were helping me to see once again who was on the inside. You were changing me for the better. As I started taking care of you and helping you remain healthy, you kept me healthy on the inside. When you grew again, the second time I didn’t get mad at you. We had already learned some great lessons. This time I understood that when you grow and create a new life in you, you become larger but it was my responsibility to take care of you and love you no matter what.
You may not look exactly how I want you to look but that’s okay. Love is not conditional and in order for me to love you and to love myself I have needed all the lessons you have taught me most of all, this lesson; that in order to love you, I had to first love who I was on the inside.
Now you carry the scars and the marks of our life together. You show me what I have experienced and the wisdom I have discovered along the way. I love you because you are unashamedly you. You are not perfect…you are YOU..and I will continue to love you as and teach me many more lessons and as we age gracefully together. I vow to treat you with care, with love and with dignity. xox